


my life isn't bad, except it is

by jancyshorcrux (Jancyshorcrux)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Violence, Feels, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Humor, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, M/M, Minor Character Death, One Shot, Oops, Phan - Freeform, Physical Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Tragedy, Tragedy/Comedy, Verbal Abuse, im trying to write but I'm not good, mentions of anorexia, phil is a volunteer at the hospital
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 20:09:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4193292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jancyshorcrux/pseuds/jancyshorcrux
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I'm not saying my life is bad, but if you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be a tragedy" (based off a prompt from tumblr)</p>
            </blockquote>





	my life isn't bad, except it is

**Author's Note:**

> A/N This prompt is from veiledinspiration on tumblr. Please enjoy this (probably crappy) one shot. Also I am not a medical professional, I had to do some research so forgive me if some facts are wrong!

I like to believe I am a nice person, but then shit things happen to me and I wonder why. Am I a shitty person? If I'm a good person, why do bad things happen to me and why do assholes have nothing wrong? 

If if I've done nothing wrong, why am I the one stuck with an abusive father, a sick mother, bullies, and a stutter. I'm not saying my life is bad, but if you were to write a story with me in the lead role, it would certainly be a tragedy.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Mondays suck, plain and simple. Today was especially bad. You see, mum had a stroke six months ago on this day. She's been in hospital ever since. I visited everyday and we had conversations like any other mother and son. doctors say every stroke has different after effects based on the part of the brain damaged. My mother's stroke rendered her paralyzed from the waist down and caused her seeing problems, problems with thinking, and slight epilepsy. She's too weak to live at home and none of us are capable of caring for her. 

I woke up like every other morning and gathered my stuff for school, making sure to pack a small bag of stuff to bring to the hospital later. That place was like my second home. Sometimes I wish I could live there and not here sometimes.

Once I was changed, I headed downstairs to see that my little brother was already eating and, thankfully, my dad had already left for work. "M-m-morning A-adrie-e-en-n." I smiled.

"Morning Dan" he greeted back. He cleaned up his plate as I made sure he had his school bag and stuff for the hospital later. Every morning the two of us walked to school. I would drop him off at his, then get to mine in time to stop at my locker and be in home room 5 minutes before the bell rang.

I waved goodbye to my brother and made my way to school. One good thing about school was the teachers were all informed of my situation. Because of this, if I was too exhausted, mentally or physically, I could get away with not doing homework and handing it in later. Sadly, teachers only knew half of my situation. I wanted to scream, to yell it from mountains high what I dealt with at home. Maybe people would leave me alone, maybe I could be free from this nightmare. Another sad fact is only the teachers knew, which meant none of my classmates knew. I was typically quite so I never liked to complain about what bugged me or what events occurred in my day to day life. Needless to say, the kids in school had taken a liking to mocking the fragile, too-thin boy who answered quietly in class and cried at random points in the hallways.

Yesterday was a good day because mum had played a memory game and was able to complete it without getting frustrated or complaining she couldn't see it. This caused me to feel a little better. I knew she would never be the same, but any little bit of progress is fine, and maybe, just maybe, one day she would be well enough to be taken care of at home. 

As I sat down in home room, I decided to study for the test I had in French later today. About one page into my notes, I was disturbed by none other than Ian Teller himself. "Hey, Dan. How are you on this lovely evening?" he asked. I knew rather than to trust his cunning tone and scheming ways. His tone was all too fake and chipper and I knew the torment I was about to endure. "I'm f-f-fine this-s-s m-morning-g, t-thank y-y-you." Kill them with kindness, i thought. Of course I knew he wouldn't back off, but hey, I was trying to be the bigger man here.

"I've noticed you look extra happy today? What caused this? Did the little fag get wined and dined last night? Oh wait, i bet you got fucked by another faggot. That must have cheered you up." Ignore, ignore, ignore. "C'mon Dan, don't you wanna give the dirty details?" Please leave, please leave. Before her could retort anymore disgusting words, our home room teacher Mr. Rose walked in and told everyone to find their seats. Mentally praising him, I went back to studying French. He took the role call and soon was done. Everyone resumed their talking that was interrupted when Mr. Rose first entered. 

"Dan, could you please come her." I got up and made my way over to his desk. "How are you, buddy? You good?" he asked, giving me a slight smile. I nodded and returned the smile, telling him of the what my mother accomplished yesterday. He smiled and congratulated me before telling me to bring the attendance sheet to the office. I did so and returned to home room, studying until the bell rang for first period. 

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

If I was in any good mood today, then it was gone. I had picked up Adrien from school and then we took the bus to the hospital. I greeted the driver who always drove the bus we took. He gave us a sad smile when we got off at the hospital and said to have a good day. 

When I went to the reception desk to sign in, the receptionist gave me a sad smile; that was the first sign, but I thought nothing of it. The second sign was my mum's usual doctor, Dr. Green (who insisted we call her Jess), who gave us a somber look. It wasn't until we heard the news that it hit me. Mum had a seizure, and a really bad one too. It caused her to have an abnormal heart rate and affected the blood that could flow through her body. My eyes teared up and I hugged Adrien tight. I asked quietly if we could go in and she solemnly nodded. We entered together and sat by her bed side. She looked weak, very weak, and so, so frail. I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't. I couldn't let mum and Adrien see me as weak. 

"How are my beautiful boys?" she asked in a frail voice. We both responded with good before Adrien started to distract her. This wasn't the first time we have had a scare, so both Adrien and I knew what to do in order to cheer mum up. "I got a 100 on my maths quiz and an 87 in history, but that's because Mrs. O'Donnell doesn't teach and rants about her stupid love life and her dumb cats!" exclaimed Adrien. Mum let out a giggle and praised him. We kept up with small chatter until we had to go home. I had to be home in time to prepare food for dad or else all hell would break loose. I could never tell mom, it would break her heart and stress her out, which we couldn't have. I haven't told Adrien, and I hope he doesn't hear my cries from my room.Adrien only knows Dad likes to yell, not that he gets physical. Dad doesn't dare touch Adrien because he did nothing wrong. The kid was only 8, what harm could he have done? 

Dad had no problem hurting me. Everything was my fault and I had more responsibilities than Adrien. If I messed up in the slightest, well, I don't want to know what my dad has up his sleeve. "L-lov-v-e you-u m-mum-m." I said, kissing her head while promising to be back the ams time tomorrow. On the way home, I picked up groceries to make a nice stew and some steamed vegetables, as per dad's request. Adrien helped me cook and we set the table. While we waited for dad to come home, I helped Adrien finish his homework, seeing as I started mine in school and finished while chatting with mum at the hospital. "um, Danny?" Adrien asked.

"What's up?" "In class today, we, um, we had to write a poem to someone who we look up to, and, i, uh, I wrote one for you," he said, shyly handing me a piece of paper. I smiled and yet wanted to cry as I read his familiar handwriting. 

_I have an older brother who goes by the name Dan,_

_He can always make me smile, and lend a helping hand._

_We visit mum everyday at the hospital,_

_I sit on by and wonder why Dan does not cry at all._

_It's because he is so brave and kind, he loves her very much,_

  _Dan will hold my hand as i cry just a touch._

_Sure he stutters on his words and makes a mistake or two,_

_But he doesn't let it get to him and does what he has to do._

_Dan is brave, and kind, and strong, he doesn't yell at me,_

_I love my brother, and when I'm older, it's him I want to be!_

I hugged Adrien tight and whispered how much I loved him back. Who would have thought that I, Dan Howell, was considered a role model. We pulled away and soon heard the door open. "Hello, father," Adrien greeted. "H-h-ello-o-o, f-f-f-father," I managed to stutter out. "Hello, boys. Is dinner prepared?" "Yes, father. We cooked what you asked of us and cleaned our rooms and yours."

"very well. Come eat," he demanded. We made our way to the table as I made a plate for each of us. "Dan, don't put so much on your plate, you don't need that much food. You are chubby enough as it is." 'As if I didn't already know that' I think to myself, holding back tears. Once we all have food we begin to eat and talk about our day. After supper, dad tells Adrien to go to his room and shower. This leaves the two of us alone. "Daniel, these vegetables were not cooked properly and to top it off, you leave the kitchen a mess." he says calmly. "I-i-m s-s-s-sor-r-ry-y, f-f-fa-ather-r." Did i mention my stutter gets worse when I'm scared? "There you go again with that damn stutter! I did not raise my boy to be a stuttering fag!" I felt the slap before I could process what was happening. He never hit hard enough to leave a mark, but it still hurt. "Get up you fucking sissy and clean this damn kitchen! If it isn't clean by the time I finish my shower you are gonna wish you never made the mess in the first place! G-g-got it?" he mocked. I nodded and watch him retreat upstairs. If only it was true when Adrien said I never cried, because it sure as hell isn't.

 

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

When I went to visit mum, I was particularly tired. I hadn't eaten properly in about 5 months now. Just a small apple here or a couple almonds there. It all started when mum first went to the hospital and dad first started getting violent. Since then i have been dieting cautiously and making sure I didn't look chubby. I didn't need another reason for dad to pick on me. I was mentally exhausted from school and I was having killer hunger pains. I snacked on a couple of almonds and drank plenty of water while I waited for Adrien to get out. 

Soon we arrived at the hospital to see mum in the same state as yesterday, but there was something different. An unfamiliar man was with Dr. Green today helping to check on mum. "H-h-hello-o-o D-dr. Gr-r-reen." "Ahh, hello Daniel and Adrien," she smiled. "How is she?" asked Adrien innocently. Her smile faltered before she smiled again. "She, um, she is improving." I knew something was up but I didn't question any of it. 

When mystery man turned around, I was stunned by the bluest eyes I have ever seen. "Boys, this is Philip. He is studying at the university near here and he is going to be helping out and volunteering here for a while!" exclaimed Dr. Green. I smiled and shook his hand. "I-I-m D-d-d-a-n-n," I stuttered. He was gorgeous and making me stutter more than usual. Oh gosh. "T-t-t-his is A-a-dri-i-en-n". Phil looked like he didn't care about my stutter, almost as if he was being patient with me. That was a first. "Hey," he said back, a hint of a northern accent. "Hey, Adrien, I know Emma said she got new candy, why don't you go ask to try some, I have to talk to Dan about boring grown up stuff." Adrien smiled and listened to Dr. Green, running out to the receptionist.

"Dan, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, things aren't so well." I knew something was up and now I don't know if I want to know or not. "Here, let me get you a chair and some water, you look sick," Phil suggested, giving me a chair and leaving the room. "Dan, your mum, she, she is dying. Her seizures are becoming more recent and it's messing with her heart. At the rate things are going, she will probably lose her memory, and could go brain dead any day. We are trying everything, but it's becoming increasingly difficult to control."

I couldn't help my outburst. "W-well try-y f-f-fucking-g-g h-har-rder!" I screamed. In the door Phil and Adrien both looked stunned. At this point i let my tears flow freely. "I c-c-c-c-can't lose-e-e my m-m-mum-m, I c-c-can't d-d-do it!" I screamed, knocking my chair over. "I d-d-don't c-care what-t-t the-e-e fu-u-ck you d-do, b-b-but tr-r-ry a-a-a-anything a-at this-s-s fucking-g-g-g poi-i-int!" "Dan please calm down!" Dr. Green murmured. 

i rushed to my mum's bedside and clutched her hand, sobbing. I didn't want to wake her, she needed rest. I felt tiny arms around my waist and turned to see Adrien hugging me. "D-dan, please stop crying. You never cry and it scares me." I hugged Adrien, sobbing into his head, apologizing to him, Dr. Green, and Phil for my outburst. Mum slept the whole visit. I stayed until it was too late and realized that dad was already home and no dinner was made. On the bus ride home, I warned Adrien to go straight upstairs. When he asked why, I told him to just do it.

As we shut the door, Adrien scampered upstairs and I faced the wrath of my father. 

As i lay on the floor, I whimper and realize I can't go to school. Dad never hit hard enough to bruise, so when my nose was gushing blood and my eye was swollen, I knew I was in trouble.

And I hadn't realized that a frightened Adrien watched from the stairs.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

In the morning, Adrien hugged me and cried, blabbering about how he wished he was strong enough to "push daddy off you!". I chuckled dryly and had to explain that dad doesn't hate us, he just gets mad when I screw up.I skipped school and spent all day at the hospital. After bullshitting answers to Dr. green and avoiding worried stares form Phil, I sat by mum. Mum didn't wake up until lunch time. "Dan? What are you doing here baby? And what happened to your face!" I hugged her, saying bullies at school did it. It was a long day and I wanted to just sleep for the rest of time. i didn't want to go home to my dad. Adrien took the bus on his own and smiled happily, saying they drew pictures of their families in school. 

The result was a picture of a woman laying in bed with a man next to her and two young boys, all smiling happily. The picture was placed on the wall right above mum's head. I didn't mention the other picture I saw in Adrien's bag; the one where mum looks like a ghost, Adrien is crying, and I am being choked by my father, blood streaming down my face. We left on time today, but not before Phil stopped them. "Hey, um, Dan. So, like, I just think that, um, if you ever need someone to talk to, you can, uh, you know, text me," Phil babbled. Dan let out a smile and giggled, trading numbers. He was teased endlessly by Adrien.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Dan and Phil went on their first date two days after. And soon their was a second, and a third, and a tenth, but whose counting? They were inseparable.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Things were looking up. I have been going to speech therapy and my stutter is going away ever so slightly, mum was starting to look better, I was finally overcoming my eating disorder with Phil's help, and I could happily call Phil my boyfriend.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Dan was considering dropping out of school. He got a call from the office saying to go to the hospital immediately. When he was told his mother was in critical condition, he went to his locker to gather his books letting himself cry. Of course Ian and his little crew couldn't let this go unnoticed. After endless teasing, a couple shoves, and homophobic slurs, Dan was stumbling to Adrien's school.

When they got to the hospital, there were nurses and doctors surrounding his mother's bed. "Dan, please don't look," Phil whispered.I didn't listen, trying to push to the front of the crowd, but Phil was holding me back. That's when I saw it. Adrien and I gasped in unison. Mum lay in bed, looking pale as a ghost, fighting to stay in and out of consciousness. Adrien and I pushed our way to the front and held her hand tightly. "My beautiful, beautiful boys. I love you so much you know? I'm so proud of you. Adrien, you are so sweet and you are going to grow up to be the sweetest gentleman any girl has met. Dan, I am so proud of you overcoming your eating disorder. You have matured so much and overcame so many struggles. Keep Phil close, ok? I can tell he changed your life for the better. Give me a hug. I love you two so much, and I'm sorry for the struggles I've caused." We gripped onto her. I knew we didn't have long with the way she was speaking and everyone around us were wiping at their eyes. I didn't want her to leave. i needed her. I was a 17 year old boy who matured too much too early and I just want my mum to hold me close and stay forever. I knew forever was just a figment of my imagination.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

When i went to the hospital the next day (Adrien and I both skipped school) I was sat on Phil's lap in a chair next to mum's bed. Phil had to do his shifts so he left the three of us alone. After hugging, some crying, and saying how much we loved each other, we all took naps. 

I woke up before the others when a nurse came in to give my mum her lunch. I politely told her I would wake mum and give it to her. Little did I know mum wouldn't wake up. 

I tried, I really did try to wake her. Her heart monitor wasn't flat but she wouldn't respond. At this point Adrien joined me. We took turns shaking her and screamed mantras of "p-p-please w-wake u-up" and "don't leave us mummy!" but it wasn't enough. Heaven gained an angel where earth had lost one.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Brain dead. That's what doctors called it. They said she was physically alive, but her brain wasn't functioning. What was once a living, breathing, angel was now a dead woman controlled by a horrifying machine. They pulled the plug that day and in a way, they pulled my plug too.

Adrien and I rode the bus in silence, crying and ignoring the weird looks of strangers. When we got home we noticed dad was home. With all the commotion, I hadn't noticed the time. With anger seething through his veins, dad yelled and demanded we tell him where we were. So i explained and i cried and then i got beaten and Adrien ran to his room, crying because our own father was a monster in his own home. I smelt the alcohol on his breath and slumped to the floor when he was done. He grumbled something about going to a bar so I had to be quick.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•(pov change)

He knew Adrien needed him, but Dan was selfish and he didn't want to live. So he wrote and wrote. he wrote to Phil, his brother, even his dad.

He placed the letters neatly on his dresser and placed his computer chair underneath his fan, attaching a makeshift noose out of old clothes. Just as he kicked off the chair and was dangling, justas he finally felt free, Adrien burst into the room. He cried and screamed and called Phil and tried helping his brother down. With no results, he called the neighbors who quickly came and got Dan down. Phil arrived just as the ambulance did and rode in the back of it, clutching an unstable Adrien to his chest. "He's gonna be ok. Dan is so, so strong, and he could never leave you. He loves you too much, ok?" At this point, Phil didn't know if he was trying to convince Adrien or himself.

-•-•-•-•-•-•-•-•

Dan woke up in the hospital, feeling a pain in his neck, literally. He was surrounded by the crying faces of Phil, Adrien, even Dr. Green. Dan remembered everything that happened and started crying, saying everything that had been building up the past ten months. he was tired of feeling scared in his own home and he wanted the life of a normal 17 year old.

 

The funeral for Dan's mum was large, practically the whole town. Dan gave a eulogy, he stuttered and messed up but no one said anything. The idiots at school stopped harassing him when they heard the news and he showed up with bruises on his neck. His dad was out in jail. Dan didn't hear the sentence, he didn't focus on anything that day in court. Adrien and Dan moved in with Phil and both Adrien and Dan dropped out. Adrien was home schooled andDan started making videos on the internet to distract himself. Life was starting to look up. It wasn't perfect by any means, but Dan started to think that if a story was written based on his life, he wouldn't categorize it as a tragedy. SO what life wasn't perfect. Nothing is.

**Author's Note:**

> ok so wow i would appreciate of you could spread this. This literally took me three hours and it isn't as good as I wanted it to be but if i have a prompt, i just keep writing and i don't stop and i end up writing wayyyyyy too much so yea... So.. yeah. I know phan wasn't the main focus but i didn't want it to be you know?? anyway, if you have a prompt, leave it in my tumblr ask (its www.deliamithsmalteasers.tumblr.com) i don't use to much but give me a prompt and i will try and write it!


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